Corner Cafe, East London 9th May
The man running the corner cafe is already a firm favourite - chaotic, warm, and blunt. As nervous and unfocused as Piglet in a hurricane, he dithers and mutters apologies into the chopping board as half-grasped orders and impatient eyes swirl behind his back.
He not only pretends to recognise me, he acts relieved as though I am the only reasonably-minded person who could take pity on him and his heavy tribulations. Sometimes he explains these problems right in front of the customer (or wife) who is causing them. Leaving me in very much a 'smile and nod' situation.
Here's a sample of what happened during a short sandwich and coffee visit today.
- He did not fancy making my sandwich so instead told me to put the ingredients I wanted from the salad bar on a plate. I did so. He then plonked a bread roll on it and said "So there, now you can make it yourself. Lovely." I asked for the bread to be toasted. A long groan.
- "Oh her? She's not my wife. My wife is sick today, this is her friend. She doesn't know how to work.", "Yes I do!", "No you don't.... She doesn't."
- A young couple come in and ask if he can take a photo of them posing at a table as they "just love" his quaint cafe. The girl hands him a Polaroid camera and explains how it works. She thinks because the man was born abroad he is a deaf toddler and so she SPEAKS. LIKE. THIS.
"YOU. PUSH. DOWN. THE. BUTTON. AND. IT. COMES. OUT. THE. TOP."
"Yes I know, we had these cameras before you know?"
"OH. YES. YOU. HAD. THEM. BACK. IN. YOUR. DAY. HUH?"
"Uh... ok."
With their herbal teas untouched, the couple leave after getting the photo they came for. The girl is gutted upon realising she missed out on an even more 'quaint' table outside. If it isn't clear from my writing, they were dickheads.
- A posh crusty fella asks if the quinoa is gluten and dairy free. Our hero says nothing but his gaze slides slowly until making contact with mine. He has had it with these people.
- He tells me there's a couple in the toilet and they have been in there together for 20 minutes! "It's not NORMAL. Is it NORMAL? I think it is not NORMAL!" He shouts through the door. I realise he's thinking of a couple that left together twenty minutes ago. "Well they didn't say goodbye. They should say goodbye is all."
- A local business Don comes in and not so gently suggests to our hero that he rent another nearby cafe (my ears prick right up). The current tenants "are not serious" and he flatters our hero that he has the touch to make it a goldmine. Finally our hero says "Ok, so tomorrow, I will come. I need to have diamond in my own hand to see if it sparkles. You need to understand I am from a SPIRIT-LEAD CULTURE!"
- "I have on Lebanese music instead, you like it? It's good right? It IS good."